“The most important ASSET we hold is our IDENTITY”
SEASON ONE
VOLUME 3: INTENTIONAL
DECEMBER 2024
press play. read. feel. enjoy.
INTENTIONAL
Intentional: done on purpose; deliberate
In this volume, I encounter DEATH. A death that shakes me to my core. I find myself in an unknown mental territory. The magnitude of emotions I encounter within me are overwhelming. Yet, it is within this chaos that my artistry is born anew. It is in this moment of GRIEF that I discover a deeper sense of self, one that had been hidden beneath the surface all along.
In the midst of my sorrow, I find clarity. I find that, in the end, I am not so different from anyone else. In the depths of pain, I realize that I am human, just as we all are.
I bleed like everyone. I cry like everyone. I hurt like everyone.
And yet, in this shared vulnerability, I come to a profound realization: I must express LOVE. It is an undeniable part of me—unchanging, enduring, irreplaceable. It will never leave.
That is why this volume is called INTENTIONAL.
I now understand that everything I create, everything I share, must carry meaning. It must carry LOVE—because that is what has sustained me through the storm. And it is what I must give back to the world.
As I reflect on the creation of this volume, I found myself struck by the depth of emotion that resurfaced when I touch on the passing of my grandfather. Revisiting that grief awakened a vulnerability in me that is impossible to ignore.
To truly offer the full KILLAVSN experience, I must allow these emotions to not only surface, but to bleed through the pages, UNFILTERED.
Vulnerability is not just an element; it is the very essence of what my work demands. It is through embracing my internal wounds that I can invite others to confront their own.
This is the truth I must honor: removing my mask so I may create a space where healing, understanding, and authenticity can truly flourish.
-KILLAVSN
ARTWORK SPOTLIGHT:
GRIEF: DENIAL
SELF PORTRAIT SERIES
Ignoring the conversation between life and death.
Choosing to side with life, although life has already lost the argument…
I wasn’t paying attention.
Rather, life and death came to a compromise. But I wouldn’t know this… I wasn't paying attention.
Their conversation wasn’t an argument. It was actually intimate. They shared their stories.
It was time to allow the shadows to bleed through.
It is not the end.
After all, shadows would not be shadows without the light.
We would not know darkness without experiencing the light just as we would not know the light without experiencing the darkness.
Life isn’t easy, nor is it intended to be. Just keep.. pushing.
GRIEF: DENIAL EXPLAINED
When my grandfather passed away, initially, I felt nothing. At least, I convinced myself I didn’t. I told myself, “We weren’t close.” After all, I’d only met him a handful of times, and he’d lived his entire life in Guatemala, far from me.
I knew my family was grieving—I could feel it—but I couldn’t bring myself to join in. Instead, I numbed myself. I ran. I escaped into distraction, burying my thoughts and emotions as deep as I could, trying to outrun the eventual pain.
I was exhausted from hurting. I didn’t want yet another reason to fall into that familiar darkness.
But the truth about running from your emotions is that they always catch up. And they did.
The dialogue that accompanies this piece is a reflection of my own journey through denial—how I ignored the quiet yet powerful conversation between life and death.
“Ignoring the conversation between life and death” speaks directly to my self-imposed isolation and my refusal to confront the reality of my grandfather’s passing. The shield I raised to protect myself from the grief I didn’t think I was ready to face.
Raised in a religious household, I told myself, “Let the dead bury the dead.” I embraced life, focused on moving forward, convinced that this was just the natural order of things. And, to some extent, that was true.
But what I failed to recognize was that I still had to accept what was happening. I couldn’t just bypass my emotions. I had to stay present and allow myself to process it—not push it away. Because in the end, ignoring grief only prolongs it, and to HEAL, I had to face it.
In this stage of my GRIEF, I discovered an unexpected beauty within death, which is why I chose to frame it as “life and death came to a compromise.” This speaks to the truth of existence—the natural, intertwined course of life. Life and death being two halves of the same whole.
Though death often carries a negative connotation, I began to see it as something much more profound. Death, in essence, is a way of HONORING life.
It’s strange, huh?
That we often view death as the opposite of life, when in reality, it’s a necessary counterpart. Without death, life would lose its meaning. Without an ending, how could we ever truly appreciate the beauty of a BEGINNING? We CELEBRATE life through death.
In creating this piece, I intentionally personified these concepts. I covered my face, a physical representation of my own denial—the way I tried to shield myself from the reality of loss. I posed as the strong man, but DEEP down, I knew the truth: strength was a mask.
Each piece in this series is defined by a specific color palette, each one carefully chosen to correspond with the emotions tied to grief. The magenta, for instance, carries a sense of reassurance—like telling yourself, “Everything’s fine, just peachy.” But beneath that façade, there’s something much deeper, much darker; DENIAL.
I made a deliberate choice to balance light and shadow in the composition, reflecting the dynamic conversation between life and death. One side is well-lit, symbolizing the vibrance of life, while the other side remains in shadow, embodying the quiet finality of death.
Together, they speak to the relationship between the two—the tension, the harmony, and ultimately, the peace I had to FIND in their compromise.
MUSICAL INSPIRATION
The musical selection that accompanies this piece is no other than “Doubt” by RISSA. This was a song I felt resonated with the atmosphere I wanted to create. After listening to her music, I found and also confirmed that she incorporates a blend of R&B and Gospel to much of her music. Arguably, two of my favorite genres. I especially enjoy the rich choir sounds she incorporates to her music, especially as someone who was raised heavily with Gospel music.
Her sound hit home for me and allowed me to look at my own grieving/mourning through a spiritual lens. Only then was I able to really connect with my piece on a deeper and more intimate level. One that really showcases what I was going through during this phase of grief. There was a specific verse in her song that states “If you believe all they say, you might get lost in the game” which goes hand in hand with the self-imposed isolation during the death of my grandfather and on a deeper level. One I had put myself in majority of my life.
ARTWORK SPOTLIGHT:
GRIEF: ANGER/PASSION
SELF PORTRAIT SERIES
Manifested in the body, controlled in the mind and energetically expressed.
The ever consuming fire-fight tug-a-war
It is fire personified.
Intended for warmth and direction
Misconstrued as and used for power
Be vulnerable with the fire. May it navigate, illuminate and provide warmth. It may burn you, but that's a part of the process.
Remember… anger and passion both know what it feels like to be misunderstood.
The glass was never purposefully broken, it was dropped.
Shattered glass isn’t meant to be put together. Rather reflected over and replaced.
What is broken, can be healed.
Allow yourself grace. Don’t let the fire consume you, rather, let it invigorate you and provide you light.
‘GRIEF: ANGER/PASSION’ EXPLAINED
ANGER is a piece that explores concepts of PERSPECTIVE. I wanted to shed light on the misunderstood stage of grief—ANGER—or rather PASSION.
While anger is the immediate emotion we experience, passion is the response that can be easily misconstrued as anger. At least, this has been my experience.
The energy behind these emotions is not intended to be destructive, although it can be. Rather I wanted to highlight it as a BURNING drive, a spark that fuels transformation.
To showcase this, I use the metaphor of fire—a powerful symbol of both anger and passion. Fire can consume, but it can also warm, purify, and renew. I describe anger and passion as twin flames. They rise from the same source; they are connected.
The phrase “the ever-consuming fire-fight tug-of-war” captures their metaphorical dialogue. It’s in this tension, that marks the stage of grief, where the line between DESTRUCTION and CREATION becomes blurred—where both anger and passion are both ignited.
Through this piece, I implore the reconsideration of the nature of anger—not as an obstacle to overcome, but as a GUIDE. In grief, we often mislabel passion as anger, not recognizing its potential for healing, change, and growth. What we see as rage might actually be a fire that, when understood, can lead us toward RENEWAL.
"Be vulnerable with the fire." transforms this piece to one that is spiritual, as the fire eventually became a symbol of the Creator.
In this time of grief, I turned to Him, and it was through His presence that I was guided, illuminated, and nurtured. The burning I experienced was not a physical reaction to pain or loss, but an invigoration of my soul, a purification, and a transformation that allowed me to become something new, something more WHOLE.
In this headspace, I learned the following lesson: "The glass was never purposefully broken, it was dropped." This illuminated the reoccurring theme of perspective, revealing that sometimes the painful shattering we experience in life is not UNINTENTIONAL, but a NECESSARY force for growth and change.
Just as glass may fall and break, so too do our hearts break—sometimes, it is simply life’s course. This understanding brought me comfort and reassurance, especially in a world where the meaning of things are often misunderstood or even unknown.
Another truth I came to realize is that our actions, however well-intentioned, often carry consequences we cannot foresee or even cause negative impact. It's easy to say, "I meant no harm," yet impact speaks louder than intention. I found myself in a place where, out of my own pain—my anger, my passion—I had unintentionally hurt many whom I love. This is where GRACE became essential.
Grace. The power to forgive myself, the space to ask for help, and the willingness to acknowledge my need for healing. This is where I understood that it’s okay to seek assistance, to lean on others, and to trust in the process of RESTORATION. The healing of what was broken was not beyond my reach. It is not beyond any of our reach.
I was the glass. And I had been broken. But I was also capable of mending, of growing, of forgiving—not just others, but myself. Grief had CRACKED me open, but it also allowed the light of grace to enter, offering me the chance to rebuild, to heal, and to embrace… THIS TIME INTENTIONALLY.
-KILLAVSN
ARTWORK SPOTLIGHT:
GRIEF: BARGAINING
SELF PORTRAIT SERIES
Maybe if I…
Maybe if they…
What if I…
What if they…
How about if I…
How about if they…
The scales can’t balance this.
Transaction declined.
User error.
Decline often calls for redirection.
Not now. Maybe never. Maybe tomorrow.
Maybe.
Sometimes silence in the midst of darkness is best. Regroup. Regather, release… until next time.
Clear minds speak secure words. Let your words be your light.
The following stage highlighted in this series is BARGAINING. When I think of bargaining, I think of the idea of trying to make a deal - trying to negotiate terms with someone else.
Within bargaining, often times we find ourselves not necessarily bargaining with others, but rather ourselves; another internal tug-a-war.
In my case, the bargaining wasn’t about trying to get my grandfather back. Instead, it was a deeper, quieter bargaining with myself. A bargaining with time… with emotions, with the hope that I could somehow fast-track my healing. I found myself bargaining for and hoping for PROGRESS; a shortcut to move past the pain. Bargaining to stop the hurt. Bargaining to reclaim pieces of myself that I THOUGHT I had lost.
Interesting huh?
“If I give this up, then maybe this will happen” Willing to change ONLY to receive something in return. What we want not what we NEED.
The REAL healing, doesn’t happen because we expect something. It happens when the willingness to change comes without any conditions, without the promise of getting anything back.
The true essence of bargaining highlighted in this piece isn’t about negotiating with the world or others; it’s about learning to let go of the expectation that healing will happen on OUR terms.
Sometimes, we have to change for the sake of change, not for the sake of getting something in return.
In this piece, this is why I chose to embody the scales. The physical embodiment of justice.. of EQUILIBRIUM. (Can you see it?)
The teeter-totter.
This is where this piece gets a bit more intimate. Allow me to break this down:
If you've been following this series, you might notice something significant. When I TRULY confront grief, I drape this lace fabric over my head. It's symbolic of the true beginning of grief, the moment it shifts into something REAL. Beyond the facade of denial.
Remember when I mentioned that every detail is intentional? This is why.
That fabric isn't just cloth—it's the veil of grief itself. It’s the moment I silently ask for a trade. "Take my thoughts… take my mind, I don’t want them anymore. Can we have an even exchange for something else?" This is the essence of BARGAINING.
Once again, operating on my own terms. Leading to that user error I speak about.
We become so desperate to make things happen our way that we lose ourselves in the process. We’re willing to sacrifice the most beautiful, authentic parts of who we are just to get a glimpse of something we think we need—but what we may not be ready for, or what may not even truly serve us.
All of which hangs by the thread of on one word: maybe.
It’s like my piece, ROOTS. In the silence, we go a little crazy, don’t we? But it's in that silence that we grow. The stillness is what strengthens us, what allows us to regroup, to regather, to release what no longer serves us.
It’s natural to seek answers. Instead of chasing them, allow them to emerge in their own time. There’s no need to bargain for the truth—sometimes, it’s the quiet PATIENCE that invites clarity to come to light when we least expect it.
-KILLAVSN
ARTWORK SPOTLIGHT:
GRIEF: DEPRESSION
SELF PORTRAIT SERIES
Entrapped. Surrounded. Inescapable.
Engulfed in being lost.
Lost and not found.
Damaged goods.
“Turn around”
Can’t stand to LOOK.
“Turn around”
Can’t stand to LOOK.
“Nate”
No.
“Nathan”
No!
“NATHANAEL!”
NO!
“NATHANAEL ARCHILA”
WHAT?!
“I’ve been behind you the entire time”
Even when we aren’t looking, the light still follows us. Sometimes all we have to do is just turn around.
DEPRESSION marks one of the final, and often the most difficult, stages of GRIEF. It’s a phase that many find uncoquerable, leaving them feeling trapped in an unrelenting cycle of darkness, unsure if they’ll ever emerge. For some, it can feel like a battle they’re not capable of winning. (Yes, I was there.)
This piece—this expression—broke me down in ways I can’t fully explain. I would be lying if I said I didn’t find myself in tears as I write these words. Thankfully, this has all healed me.
On a deeper, more personal level, this work carries more weight than I can articulate.
Anyone who has truly encountered depression will recognize the raw emotion woven into this piece.
The DEEP BLUES. The KNEELING DEFEAT. The EMOTIONAL SUFFOCATION.
Depression is a silent thief. It hides in plain sight, often unnoticed, until it has already claimed so much of you. It can be especially deceptive for those who have grown accustomed to its presence, who have developed a complicated, sometimes even reliant, relationship with it. For those who’ve learned to coexist with it and have let it become a shadow that never quite leaves.
This piece reflects that struggle—the quiet battle between wanting to escape but feeling tethered to the very thing that’s hurting you. It speaks to the familiarity of depression, and the challenge of breaking free from something that, over time had become a strange comfort.
This is not a surrender. It’s an expression of acknowledgment—that depression, though it may feel all-consuming, is not the final word.
It’s a stage, a DARK chapter, but not the end of the story.
The dialogue that accompanies this piece, especially the part where it calls out to me by name, speaks to a kind of support we often fail to recognize—the support that EXISTS and surrounds us, even when we’re too lost in our own despair to see.
Sometimes, it takes being called out, called by NAME, to snap us out of the trance that depression has cast over us. That moment when someone or something breaks through the fog, awakening from that hypnotic pull of hopelessness.
But it’s more than just a call. It’s also about INTENTION—a relentless desire to want better for yourself. A conscious, sometimes painful, decision to move beyond the numbness. It’s the raw, vulnerable admission of “I NEED HELP! I cannot do this alone.”
Only when we are willing to face our struggle head-on, with clarity and intention can we begin to progress beyond this stage of grief.
It’s not about simply wishing for change; it’s about choosing it, actively seeking it, and letting ourselves be supported by those who are there to help us through.
We are all HEALING.
-KILLAVSN
ARTWORK SPOTLIGHT:
GRIEF: ACCEPTANCE
SELF PORTRAIT SERIES
Message to Grandfather:
Hey Grandfather,
I have some news… I am an artist now! By the grace of God, I have never felt more FREE. LIBERATED.
Life has not been easy but yet, I’m here. I can see that my tears were NEVER in vain.
I am so happy I didn’t surrender, although there were so many times I wanted to. I’m so proud that I fought for my life. I now get to share my God-given gift with the world.
Despite all the obstacles thrown my way. Despite all the GRIEF I have encountered, I am still STANDING. As a matter of fact, I am running, I am SOARING.
GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS GRANDFATHER. I LOVE YOU FOREVER.
-Nathanael Archila
In loving memory of Pedro Archila Sr. (1936-2024)
Message to my readers:
I know sometimes life gets the best of us. I know there’s times where you may be holding on for dear life. Shoot, I’m there sometimes. I pray and hope that you find that strength to keep fighting. I know sometimes it’s easier said than done but I know if you made it as far as reading this, then you got this! If nobody else believes in you… even if you don’t believe in yourself… please believe me when I say that I DO!
I pray for each of your continued healing, each of your continued prosperity… LOVE, PEACE AND FREEDOM!
I pray that you may have taken away something from this series. Even if it was just a smile or a sigh of relief.. That is enough for me.
Blessings ALWAYS,
Nathanael Archila
KILLAVSN