AMen


AMEN portrays the story of the pain, suffering and grief following the tragic events of March 13, 2022, after being shot a total of 9 times, ranging from the head, arm, chest, back, shoulder and face. AMEN meaning “so be it” goes further to speak on the acceptance of an almost fatal event and transforms the piece from one of grief, to one of celebration. RESILIENCE. STRENGTH. ENCOURAGEMENT. INTENTION. 

I broke down crying while editing this piece as I play “BLACKBIIRD” by Beyoncé because I too was that bird with broken wings for the longest time. Questioning “Why me?!”. Pleading with God. Begging for reasons to stay alive. As I write this, I walk in an answered prayer. A prayer of strength. A prayer of light. A prayer of intention. A prayer of love. A prayer of encouragement. A prayer of GRATITUDE. 

THAT IS KILLAVSN. An answered prayer. 

KILLAVSN seeks to bring joy, love and intention in an otherwise crazy, chaotic and evil world. Being a first-generation, gay, man of color, odds have never in my favor. KILLAVSN seeks to build community amongst those misunderstood, misrepresented, and under appreciated. Placing emphasis on our beautiful intricacies… because…

WE ARE ALL A VISION.

THOUGHT PROCESS FOR AMEN 

AMEN STARTED OFF AS AN ASSIGNMENT FOR SCHOOL AND THE EDIT WAS ALSO ORIGINALLY BLACK AND WHITE. THE PROJECT CONsisted of being A SELF PORTRAIT. IT WAS DIFFICULT TO COME UP WITH A CONCEPT THAT I FELT EMBODIED MY ESSENCE DURING THIS POINT IN TIME.  DURING THIS TIME FRAME, I FOUND MYSELF REMINISCING ON THE EVENTS OF MARCH 13TH. I KNEW OF THE GREAT IMPACT THIS EVENT HAS HAD ON ME. IT WAS THEN I KNEW HOW I WANTED TO PORTRAY MYSELF.  

I WANTED TO SHOWCASE MY SCARS WHICH FOR THE LONGEST TIME HAD BEEN MY IDENTITY. IT WAS MY DOWNFALL. IT WAS AN EVERYDAY REMINDER. I WENT AHEAD AND SET MY CAMERA UP AND STARTED CAPTURING IMAGES FROM DIFFERENT ANGLES (ALL OF WHICH WERE VERY SIMLAR TO THE FINAL POSE IN AMEN.) REFLECTING ON THE POSE, I FOUND THAT I WAS COMFORTING MYSELF (AS I HUGGED MYSELF IN THE IMAGE), WHICH SPEAKS ON THE AMOUNT OF COMFORT, LOVE AND GRACE I HAD TO GIVE MYSELF POST-EVENT. YES, I HAD MY FAMILY SUPPORTING ME, BUT DEEP DOWN I KNEW THEY DIDN’T KNOW THE TRUE PAIN AND SUFFERING ASSOCIATED WITH THE EVENT. HOW IT CHANGED ME. I WAS GRIEVING. I WAS GRIEVING THE PART OF ME THAT DIED THAT DAY.  I SAID “GOODBYE” TO A VERSION OF NATHANAEL ARCHILA THAT WILL NO LONGER EXIST.

“SOMETIMES YOU DON’T KNOW THAT YOU’RE GRIEVING UNTIL AFTER YOU’RE DONE GRIEVING.”  

ALL OF THESE EMOTIONS START RUSHING IN AS I’M EDITING THIS IMAGE AND my hope is THAT SHOWS IN THE FINAL EDIT. I LOOKED AT MY SCARS AND THOUGHT, “WOW, THAT WAS SO PAINFUL, BUT LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL THEY ARE NOW… LOOK AT WHERE I AM NOW… LOOK AT WHERE GOD HAS BROUGHT ME”  TEARS DID NOT STOP ROLLING DOWN MY FACE. I WAS FINALLY LETTING GO.

THAT WAS WHEN THE BEAUTY OF THE PIECE WAS REVEALED TO ME. SCARS ON MY BACK SYMBOLIZING HOW I COULD NEVER FORGET THE EVENT, BUT HOW IT CAN NOW BE RELEASED AND LEFT IN THE PAST. LOOKING UP WITH MY EYES CLOSED ENCAPSULATES THE IDEA OF MOVING BY FAITH AND NOT BY SIGHT. A LESSON I HAD TO LEARN THROUGH THIS TIMEFRAME. BROKEN AND IN PAIN, I HAD TO TRUST THAT THINGS WERE GOING TO GET BETTER, EVEN DURING TIMES IT WAS HARD TO BELIEVE.  

IT WAS A REMINDER OF THE GRACE, LOVE AND MERCY THAT HAS CONTINUOUSLY FOLLOWED ME AND WILL CONTINUE TO FOLLOW ME.

OFTEN TIMES, WE FIND OURSELVES IN SITUATIONS WHERE WE ARE WONDERING “WHY?!” BUT THE BEAUTY OF TIME IS HOW IT WILL EVENTUALLY HEAL YOU.

“YOU ARE NOT YOUR PAIN”

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DEATH